Communication through Conflict

     Although this video is about basketball free throws, it still demonstrates a very powerful concept that can be applied to marriage: positivity makes a difference! The woman in the video actually improved her performance because the people around made her believe she could be successful, while the man lost confidence in his abilities because negativity surrounded him.

Questions to consider: 

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• Reflecting on the interactions you’ve had with your spouse over the past week, how many times have you encouraged, praised, or made an effort to uplift your partner? 

• Thinking about this past week, do you think your interactions with your spouse have made him or her want to be better and do better, or have they discouraged your spouse from wanting to try? 

     

     Research shows that unhappy couples use more negative expressions than positive ones. This type of communication creates a circle of negativity—one spouse sends a negative message and so the other responds in a negative manner, and around and around it goes. Too much negativity can have a very corrosive influence on a relationship (2). That is not to say that conflict should not exist in a healthy relationship. Every couple, at some time or other, will experience conflict and disagree; that is normal. It is when normal disagreements are mishandled, and unresolved negative feelings pile up that destructive patterns of negative interactions begin. If these patterns are allowed to continue, they can lead to chronic distress, separation, and even divorce (3). 

     

     This is where the 5 to 1 rule comes in! Research shows that stable marriages show 5 times more positive feelings and actions than negative feelings and actions (3). This is the balance every couple should strive to achieve, especially during conflict: 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative interaction! It may not always be easy, but stay positive and be your spouse’s biggest fan! You will be happier, and your marriage will be healthier. 

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2.   THE DOS AND DON’TS OF COMMUNICATION

 

     This strategy identifies some of the negative interactions you should avoid, and some of the positive interactions you should try to cultivate. John Gottman is a world-renowned therapist, author, and researcher. His work is frequently and consistently cited in current research on conflict management and communication in marriage. Gottman has identified 4 specific negative behaviors that have been shown to lead to relationship dissatisfaction and dissolution. They are referred to as the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”(5).  These are the communication behaviors you want to avoid.

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DON’T:

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• Criticize

     

     Criticizing is different from expressing a complaint or a critique. When you verbalize a complaint, you refer to a specific issue. But criticism is different. Criticism is an attack on your spouse’s character. You can often recognize it in statements that use “always” and “never.” 

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Complaint: “I was scared when you were running late and didn’t call me. I thought we had agreed that we would do that for each other.”

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Criticism: “You never think about how your behavior is affecting other people. I don’t believe you are that forgetful, you’re just selfish. You never think of others! You never think of me!” (1)

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• Show Contempt

 

     This form of communication relays outright disrespect, ridicule, and meanness. When one speaks with contempt, he or she might call names, eye-roll, scoff, or mock with sarcasm. You can see why this type of communication would be harmful to a relationship. Its aim is to make the other person feel bad.

 

Example: “You’re ‘tired?’ Cry me a river. I’ve been with the kids all day, running around like mad to keep this house going and all you do when you come home from work is flop down on that sofa like a child and play those idiotic video games. I don’t have time to deal with another kid. Could you be any more pathetic?” (1)

            

• Be Defensive

 

     Defensiveness often comes as a response to criticism. We make excuses or play the victim in hopes that our partner will back off, but it is seldom successful. Rather than de-escalating the situation, becoming defensive sends the message that we don’t want to take responsibility for our possible shortcomings, and we aren’t taking our spouse’s concerns seriously. A better way to communicate is to accept any fault that might be yours and try to understand your spouse’s perspective. 

 

​Example:

Question: “Did you call Betty and Ralph to let them know that we’re not coming tonight as you promised this morning?”

 

Defensive response: “I was just too darn busy today. As a matter of fact, you know just how busy my schedule was. Why didn’t you just do it?”

 

Better response:“Oops, I forgot. I should have asked you this morning to do it because I knew my day would be packed. That’s my fault. Let me call them right now.”(1)

 

• Stonewall

 

     Stonewalling happens when one individual completely withdraws from the discussion, shuts down, and stops responding. This occurs because the person begins to feel too overwhelmed to continue the conversation rationally.  Signs of stonewalling could be turning away, tuning out, or acting busy to divert attention. The solution to stonewalling is often to simply take a break from the discussion, take a few minutes to do something soothing, and then return to the conversation later (1). Postponing problem-solving until you feel better, or until a feeling of connection is experienced, doesn’t mean you aren’t committed to solving the issue (5).

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                                                            http://images.huffingtonpost.com/2015-02-23-Four_horsemen.jpg

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     Just as there are communication behaviors that lead to unhappiness in marriage, there are also research-based communication behaviors that are associated with greater happiness in marriage.  These are the things you do want to DO to foster good communication, achieve healthy conflict management, and stay close to your spouse. 

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DO:

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• Show Careful Consideration of Each Other’s Emotions

 

     In simple terms, be kind to each other, show empathy, and avoid criticizing (5). Elder N. Eldon Tanner once taught, “I stress the importance of clearing up any misunderstandings…it does not matter who is right, but what is right”(6). In the heat of conflict, we can get carried away and start to believe that one person is right, and one is wrong. We can forget that we are actually on the same team. No matter the issue, remember, “Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved” (4).

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     Listen to your spouse and try to see things from his or her perspective. Consider how your partner feels and why they might feel the way they do. Sometimes the most important thing is making sure your partner feels understood.  Here is a rather exaggerated but humorous example: 

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• Be Open

 

     Being open leads to positive emotions, mutual trust, and understanding (2).  Another term for being open is “self-disclosure.” Self-disclosure has been found to be related to marital satisfaction and is strongly predictive of relationship satisfaction over time (3). It is also considered by some as a key factor in long-lasting relationships (2). Couples who have high rates of self-disclosure, and who communicate with expressions of love and affection, tend to have happier marriages (3).

 

     What exactly is self-disclosure, and how do we apply it? One definition describes self-disclosure as, “a process where one human being makes him or herself familiar to the other” That pretty much sums it up. Any time you open up to your spouse, express your feelings or thoughts, share a personal story or opinion, you are opening up and laying another brick to the foundation of your marriage. 

 

     However, to truly be a successful communication tool in your marriage, self-disclosure needs to be reciprocated. When your spouse opens up to you, respond in a positive way. It will increase trust in your relationship and show your partner that you care (2).

 

• Be Flexible  

 

     This means be willing to compromise! Not all conflicts can be resolved according to each partner’s satisfaction 5. Sometimes the end result may not be exactly what you would like it to be, but in the long run, that is not as important as the way you made your spouse feel in a moment of conflict.  Couples that listen to each other and find a common ground are usually the happiest (2).

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• Create A Sense of Togetherness

 

     This may be the easiest and the most enjoyable “Do” of all.  Couples create a sense of togetherness by sharing hobbies and activities that bring joy. If couples can build a strong sense of togetherness, they are more likely to successfully cope with conflict and relationship problems. That means you can strengthen your relationship and protect your marriage simply by finding something you and your spouse like to do together, and have fun doing that thing! Research has shown that “shared leisure time and the number of shared activities…explain the happiness of a relationship” (2).  

 

     This brings us full-circle back to the importance of the 5 to 1 rule. When you spend time with your spouse doing something you both enjoy, you are filling your relationship with positivity, and positivity in relationship leads to happy couples. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Take Action!

 

     If you want to get physically stronger or mentally sharper it requires effort; the same is true if you want to improve your communication skills. Couples who make an effort to listen, be kind and understand each other through marital conflict have higher chances of having a successful marriage (2). An essential principle of marital satisfaction is not necessarily that you communicate with your spouse but how well you communicate.  Learning how to communicate as a couple can diminish emotional and physical stress and increase the probability of experiencing a happy and healthy relationship 5.

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This week we invite you to choose the challenge that you will feel most beneficial to your marriage:

 

1.If you have struggle with negative interactions, try to apply the 5 to 1 rule for a week.  See if you notice a difference.

 

2.Sit down with your spouse and discuss an issue that may need to be resolved.  Remember and apply the dos and don’ts you have learned.

 

3.Find a hobby or activity that you and your spouse enjoy doing together, then make an effort to do that this week.

 

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                                                       https://stromtherapy.files.wordpress.com/2014/08/couple-biking-2.jpg

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