Parenting

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     We are approaching the end of our six-lesson program. We hope that you have enjoyed participating in these lessons and activities so far, and we hope you are finding these topics relevant and applicable to enhancing your own marriage. In our last lesson, we talked about emotional intimacy and how you can cultivate it in your marriage. Throughout Lesson 5 we will share three important ways you can prioritize and nurture your marriage as you face the many challenges that come with raising children. First, enjoy this short video clip that talks about the different ways that children can enrich our lives. 

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     The decision of whether or not to have children might be one of the most relevant and life-changing that a couple can make. Parenthood can generate a combination of both benefits and marital challenges. Research is a little contradictory regarding the effects of children on marital happiness. Some scientific research suggests that couples become less satisfied with their marriage after having children. Others argue that children have no effect on the marital relationship—that an unhappy marriage will remain unhappy, and a happy marriage will remain happy. Regardless of research findings, children do in fact change the structure of the family system and present couples with new and unfamiliar experiences. 

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https://bestlifeonline.com/parenting-hacks-for-raising-an-amazing-kid/

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     What are some of the variables associated with parenting that can lead to marital dissatisfaction? Of course, there is loss of sleep, confinement to the home, parent guilt, and increased household and economic responsibilities (3). Parenthood can also impact a couple’s sexual satisfaction, especially during the initial transition to parenthood, as parents experience increased emotional and physical stress. Because a woman’s body goes through significant changes during and after pregnancy, she may feel less sexual, which can in turn affect her husband’s relationship satisfaction (2).

 

     So many variables come into play when children come into the picture. Taking them all into consideration, how can a couple continue to strengthen their relationship as they become parents, and how can they prevent their marriage from being negatively affected by the challenges of parenthood? Here are three research-based suggestions.

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https://bestlifeonline.com/parenting-hacks-for-raising-an-amazing-kid/

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#1. Cooperative Versus Competitive Co-parenting

 

     When couples become parents, there is a lot of role redefining that goes on (1). With the arrival of children, husband and wife/partners and friends become father and mother/protectors and caregivers. It can take time to adjust to these new roles, and with each new stage of a child’s development more and more adjustments can be needed.  This makes the marriage relationship that much more complex as couples have to learn how to work together in new ways (2). This video clip from Instant Family shows two foster parents who are learning to work together through new and unanticipated parenting challenges. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

     Research shows that raising children requires the development of a healthy “co-parenting alliance” between mother and father—the “extent to which spouses function as partners or adversaries in parenting roles” (1). If couples can learn how to help and support each other as they balance their new roles with their existing ones, much of the conflict and unhappiness that occurs in marriage and parenting can be avoided. The first step toward achieving this comes with understanding the difference between cooperative and competitive co-parenting.   

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• Cooperative Parenting

       

Cooperative parenting is essential in maintaining a happy marriage while raising children! It involves each partner’s “efforts to assist and complement the other’s parenting endeavors” (1). Mother and father, wife and husband, act as a team. They

share caregiving tasks, especially in the infant stage, to avoid one parent becoming overburdened or overly tired. They both work together to consciously teach their children important values and emotional self-regulation. 

   

When couples present a united front, it not only makes each partner feel supported, but it prevents children from having to side with one parent or the other. Cooperative parenting has been found to increase marital satisfaction when the day to day rigors and stress of parenting interfere with couple quality time. It also been shown to predict a secure attachment, prosocial behavior, and other positive outcomes in children (1).

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Example: It has been a long day. Dad has been at work and Mom has been home with the children. The house is messy, one of the children still needs help with her homework, and Mom and Dad are tired. Dad could head upstairs and leave the rest of the cleaning and helping to Mom with the explanation that he has had a busy day providing for the family and shouldn’t have to worry about things like this when he gets home. Mom could express some resentment at having to deal with household

and caregiving tasks all day every day; she might even say that it should be her husband’s turn to pitch in, take care of the kids, and give her a break. Instead of either of these response, Mom and Dad choose to apply some cooperative co-parenting. They realize that if they each work together they can get the rest of the responsibilities done and possibly even have some time alone together later in the evening. Dad rolls up his sleeves, involves a couple of the kids, and begins to clean up dinner and do the dishes. Mom sits down with her daughter and helps her finish preparing the school project that is due the next day.  

 

• Competitive Parenting

 

Competitive parenting is what you want to avoid. This type of co-parenting can be identified by one parent’s “efforts" to intrude on, compete with, or undermine the others’ parenting.”  It sends conflicting messages to the children and  increases marital conflict (1). Some examples of competitive co-parenting might include arguing over childcare and household labor or tallying up in your mind who has changed the most diapers that week. It is often displayed when one parent goes against the wishes of the other in order to be the “favorite” parent. Rather than working together as a team, competitive parents tend to work against each other. This, of course, makes it difficult to engage in the important   relationship maintenance behaviors we have discussed in past lessons. 

 

Example: It’s meal time and mom asks her child to try a bite of his broccoli. The little boy doesn’t want to and so he starts to whine. Dad undermines mom’s request by telling the child that he never liked broccoli either. He says to his wife, “Stop being so mean, mommy, can’t you see he doesn’t like broccoli?”

 

You can see how this might confuse the child and leave the mother feeling frustrated and unsupported in her parenting  efforts.

 

It may take some time, effort, and experience, but learning to work together and support each other as cooperative co-parents will strengthen your relationship and help you avoid negative feelings toward each other as your family ever  changes and your children continue to grow. 

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#2. Seek Out A Good Social Support System

           

     Another thing couples can do to prioritize their marriage as they raise children is to surround themselves with positive people who hold similar family values to their own and to seek out an encouraging support system. There are many factors that play into decreased marital satisfaction with the arrival of children including increased financial burden, time and opportunity costs, role strain, etc. However, you may be surprised to learn that “decreasing importance of parenthood in society” also leads to couples’ unhappiness with family life. One study suggests that “the collective social approval of parenthood will have an influence on how individuals balance the pros and cons of parenthood and thus hold repercussions for the happiness of parents in comparison with childless men and women” (4).

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     Have you ever had an experience as a parent, perhaps in the middle of a child’s tantrum at the grocery store, when for a moment you began to question the joy of marriage and family life? This is probably an experience that every parent is somewhat familiar with. Think about a time when you were in a similar position. Did the reaction of those around you influence the way you felt and how you handled the situation? Would you feel differently if you were surrounded by understanding strangers with friendly smiles and helpful hands as opposed to shoppers with judgmental stares and derogatory whispers? 

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     Unfortunately, in many western societies cultural differences are beginning to take place that are less supportive of the traditional family and this tends to influence family relationships and subjective well-being (4). This is why it is important to seek out a good social support system that will help you recognize the benefits, the joys, and even the humor in marriage and family life. You can find this type of support in extended family circles, religious organizations, mommy and me programs, parenting social media groups. With good social support, couples can better handle the stresses of parenthood, which in turn gives them a better capacity to nurture their marriage relationship when life gets crazy.

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#3. Make Time for Physical and Emotional Intimacy with Your Spouse

 

     Research shows that spouses who feel an enduring trust and affection for each another are more predisposed to work cooperatively as parents and successfully navigate the challenges that often accompany the arrival of children (1). Do these qualities remind you of our previous lesson on emotional intimacy? Trust and affection are both important qualities of emotional intimacy, and if you remember, emotional intimacy was referred to as the glue that holds a marriage together. It is not always easy to maintain intimacy in a marriage when children require so much time, energy, and attention. That is why a continued effort to cultivate intimacy must become a conscious and intentional choice when a couple becomes parents. 

            

     A new mother, in particular, experiences a lot of stress which can lead her to be a little less attentive to her spouse as well as a little less emotionally connected and empathic. New fathers often don’t know how to help carry the burden that their wives feel and can be a little sensitive to a sense of rejection and a lack of responsiveness in their wives (2). As children grow, each stage of development presents new and different challenges for a husband and wife. However, if couples are aware of these common feelings and challenges, they can be more understanding of each other, more supportive of each other, and they can make efforts to maintain and build intimacy even in the midst of a busy family life. Expectations of parenting can be overwhelming at times, but don’t neglect the intimacy in your marriage. If you need a refresher on intimacy, feel free to go back and review Lesson 4.

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     If you are interested in reading the article referenced in this video that talks about being committed to strive toward perfection, you can find it here.

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Take Action!

 

     As we learn about effective co-parenting and the benefits of working together as husband and wife to build a strong marriage and family relationship, we want to invite you to work together as parents this week. Think about different ways to serve one another in your household and parenting responsibilities. Council together to discuss ways that you can improve your cooperative co-parenting. 

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     We also encourage you to get a babysitter for the kids and plan a date night. Use opportunity to reconnect and enjoy each other’s company. You can refer to Lesson 3 for date night ideas, keeping in mind that it does not have to be an expensive or fancy activity. It just needs to be something that both will enjoy and that will build intimacy.

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