Keeping the Romance Alive
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We are halfway through our six-lesson program! We hope that you are still with us and enjoying these lessons designed to enhance your marital relationship! So far, we have learned about love languages and how to communicate through conflict. In this lesson, we will talk about “Keeping the Romance Alive.” Hopefully you’ll be able to see how the love language and communication tools taught in the previous lessons can also apply to this topic, and we hope you will gain some new ideas that will help boost the romance in your relationship.
Hollywood and classic literature often portray the myth that true love is timeless, unchanging, and constant as the tides. Current research, however, shows that it takes energy and effort to keep the romance alive in a relationship. As we better understand the importance of prioritizing time with our spouse through activities such as dating, being responsive to a spouse’s needs and efforts, and relational processes like communication we increase the chances of having a successful marriage that will foster a deeper emotional bond and personal growth (1).
From a historical context, there are some interesting changes that have taken place over time. For instance, on average Americans are investing less time in their marriage today than in the past. We spend more time parenting and working, but less time connecting with our partner or nurturing our marriage. Statistics show that from 1975 to 2003 married couples without children have experienced a 30% decline in weekday spouse time and a 17% decline in weekend spouse time. Couples with children at home experienced a 40% decline in weekday spousal time (1).
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In the article “Ebb and Flow: A Theory of Lasting Relationship,” Richard S. Schwartz and Jacqueline Olds present the theory that in a long-established relationship a couple is either moving closer together or drifting farther apart; the relationship never stands still. As a couple becomes comfortable with each other and their relationship, they can begin to take one another for granted. Eventually, spouses can become less attentive and less interested in learning about one other. When couples feel comfortable in a relationship, they sometimes begin to invest their energy and attention on other things outside the marriage, consequently making them feel they are drifting apart. This creates a sense that something is missing and can gradually lead the individuals down separate paths and make them wonder if they still have anything in common at all (4).
The important thing to know when this happens is that these feelings and this drifting should not be considered as a sign that the relationship has lost its spark and the romance is gone forever. If couples recognize when they have begun to drift apart, they can consider it an opportunity to become curious about each other all over again, to reconnect, and to recapture a sense of joy and fulfillment through simple, yet effective efforts (3).
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How to Keep the Romance Alive when You Feel You Might be Drifting Apart
In Lesson 1 we learned about how relationship maintenance can increase feelings of love and commitment in a marriage. Finding activities that you can do together and spending time with your spouse is another form of relationship maintenance. It may sound simple, but extensive research shows thatinvesting timein your spouse and in your marriage will boost intimacy and increase feelings of closeness when your relationship may have started to ebb. Basically, research suggests that you can keep the romance in your relationship simply by prioritizing time together, sharing hobbies and leisure pursuits, and having regular date nights (2).
However not all of the activities you plan with your spouse are created equal. You might think that because you sit with your spouse and watch television every night after work you spend plenty of time in each other’s company. Routinely watching TV together does provide you with time, but it will probably eventually become more of a mundane ritual rather than an activity that really fosters romance. Research shows that sustaining or rebuilding romance relies on the qualityand the outcomeof the activities chosen by a couple2. We offer 3 research-based suggestions you can consider when planning quality time with your spouse:
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Do Something New and Exciting!
Doing something new and exciting generates new experiences and replicates some of the same feelings you had at the beginning of your relationship. Looking for new experiences together prevents you from falling into relational habituation. In other words, it keeps you from getting bored! Studies show that it is the “novel and arousing joint activities” that increase couple satisfaction more than mundane activities that couples don’t find as special (2). Some things you can try might be going someplace new on vacation, attending a concert together, visiting a new restaurant, or signing up for dance lessons.
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2. Do Something that Brings You Closer Together
Researchers say that “a key marker of relationship activity success should be the degree to which shared activities foster closeness and intimacy” (2). These are the activities that encourage openness and self-disclosure (positive effects of self-disclosure are also discussed in lesson 2). This means if you want to do something with your spouse that rekindles the romance, you might want to choose something that allows you to work together and talk together. You can talk about your day over a candle-light dinner you prepare together, or you can go for a scenic drive at sunset and talk about your goals and dreams for the future. Get creative with this one!
3. Both Partners Need to be Supportive and Receptive
Shared activities can only lead to increased intimacy and romance if both partners are responsive and actively engaged. One group of researchers put it this way, “If Sally organizes date nights with Harry to increase intimacy in their relationship, these will only be successful if Harry enthusiastically participates” (2). Your partner can tell when you are not supportive or interested in what you are doing. You may not always be excited about the activity your spouse suggests, but when you put the needs of the relationship before your own you are showing your partner that you are committed, which builds trust and reciprocal commitment. This, in turn, will bring you closer together and help you keep the romance alive in your relationship (2).
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Take Action!
As we learned through this lesson, prioritizing time with your spouse and creating intentionally shared experiences can rekindle feelings from when the relationship was new. It can bring you closer together when you feel you are drifting apart, and it can build a strong foundation that is prepared to overcome relationship challenges (1).
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This week we invite to you choose an activity to share with your spouse. Try to choose something that applies all 3 of the suggestions above. Make it an experience that will promote novelty, curiosity, closeness, and support for one another.
https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/324639.php
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References
1. Finkel, E., Hui, C., Carswell, K., & Larson, G. (2014). The Suffocation of Marriage: Climbing Mount Maslow Without Enough Oxygen. Psychological Inquiry, 25(1), 1–41.
2. Girme, Y. U., Overall, N. C., & Faingataa, S. (2014). “Date nights” take two: The maintenance function of shared relationship activities. Personal Relationships, 21(1),125–149.
3. Maatta, K., & Uusiautti, S. (2012). Seven Rules on Having a Happy Marriage Along With Work. The Family Journal and Therapy for Couples and Families, 1-7.
4. Schwartz, R. S., & Olds, J. (2001). Ebb and Flow: A Theory of Lasting Relationships. Harvard Review of Psychiatry (Taylor & Francis Ltd), 9(4), 189.
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