Learning to Speak Your Spouse's Love Language
My husband and I have always had fun participating in group activities, watching movies, and spending time with friends. Although we were constantly together, after a while I began to feel that we weren’t spending enough time alone, away from distractions to talk and learn about each other.
In an effort to more fully connect, I suggested that we both take the 5 Love Language quiz. I hoped the quiz would be a fun way to help us learn more about the different ways we express and feel love. Through the 5 Love Language quiz, we learned that we have different love languages; mine is quality time and his is gifts. All of a sudden, it made to sense to me that even though we were spending time together, I wasn’t being emotionally fulfilled because what I needed was an uninterrupted conversation and one-on-one time. And because I wrongly assumed that we spoke the same love language, I had not been making a conscious effort to give him gifts or speak his love language. I had been missing an opportunity to demonstrate to him that he was loved and cared for using his own love language.
As we have discovered more about our individual love languages, we have been able to express our love for each other in more specific ways that make us feel understood and loved. For instance, instead of watching movies we now spend quality time together learning more about each other's day, our goals, and our dreams. I have invested time learning more my husband's hobbies and purchasing gifts that he will enjoy using when he goes fishing or hunting with friends. Learning each other's love language has strengthened our relationship and brought us closer together. (Cris)
Love Languages
Doctor Gary Chapman is the author of The Five Love Languages. He suggests that there are five principle ways through which people feel love: words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, quality time, and physical touch. This theory has influenced millions through books, videos, radio conferences, and programs. The book itself lasted 50 weeks on Publisher’s Weekly’s best-sellers list and was a number one New York Times bestseller (1).
Chapman’s theory is that everyone has an emotional “love tank,” and we fill our partner’s tank by speaking their love language. As tanks are filled, relationship quality improves (1). However, we need to know how to fill our partner’s tank in a way that they will understand. Buying a gift for your spouse may not be as effective if his love language is words of affirmation, and calling your wife to tell her you love her may not be as effective if she would respond better to gifts. If couples can identify their individual differences in love languages, they can know how to better recognize and give expressions of love. Recent research has found that relationship maintenance, such as demonstrated with the love language theory, can contribute to pro-relationship behavior, enhanced marital satisfaction, commitment, and well-being of the partner and relationship (3).
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Watch these short video clips to learn more about each of the five love languages.
Receiving Gifts - The 5 Love Languages®
For some people, what makes them feel most loved is to receive a gift.
Quality Time - The 5 Love Languages®
For some people, nothing says “I love you” like your full, undivided attention.
Physical Touch - The 5 Love Languages®
To this person, nothing speaks more deeply than appropriate physical touch
Words of Affirmation - The 5 Love Languages®
Your unsolicited compliment and encouragement mean the world to this person.
Acts of Service - The 5 Love Languages®
For these people, actions speak louder than words.
Why Learning to Speak Your Spouse’s Love Language Can Improve a Marriage
Maintaining a healthy and happy marriage has often been compared to maintaining an automobile; both need regular care and attention to function at their best. Keeping your spouse’s “love tank” full is as essential as keeping proper oil levels in your car (1). Why is the love language model effective at enhancing marital quality and satisfaction? One answer is simple and logical: Chapman’s five love languages parallel relationship maintenance behaviors (1), and according to academic studies and literature, the more couples use maintenance behaviors, the more likely they are to be happy and satisfied in their relationship (3). In other words, learning your spouse’s love language, and expressing love to your spouse in a way that is best received, is a type of relationship maintenance and that maintenance will keep your marriage going strong!
About Relational Maintenance
Relational maintenance can be defined as “behaviors enacted to preserve desired relational features.” When positive maintenance behaviors are consistently exchanged in a marriage, the result is increased feelings of equity, love, satisfaction, and commitment (1).
Identifying and speaking your spouse’s love language can be a great tool for relationship maintenance in marriage. If your spouse’s love language is quality time, maybe you can plan a special date this weekend. If your spouse’s love language is physical touch, maybe you can make a conscious effort to hold her hand more often. Improving your marriage doesn’t necessarily require major interventions or big gestures. The small things you do for each other each day can lead to a more stable, committed relationship. The key is making the small things that align with your partner’s love language.
Consider the Following Questions
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When was the last time your spouse did something that made you feel really loved? Did your husband do the dishes because he knew you were tired, or did he surprise you with flowers? Did your wife give you a back rub at the end of a long day, or tell you how much you mean to her? What types of gestures do appreciate the most? What do you think your love language might be?
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What do you do to show your love for your spouse? Do you notice that some efforts are more effective than others? If you were to guess your spouse’s love language, what do you think it might be?
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In what ways do you think learning to speak your partner’s love language might bring you closer together?
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In this clip from Everybody Loves Raymond, can you identify the love language being portrayed?
Everybody Loves Raymond - Acts of Service
Take Action!
We often get caught up in mundane and routine interactions with our spouse, so it’s important to explore new and different behaviors to maintain our marriages (3). Learning how to express love in a manner that your spouse easily understands is often the key to creating greater depth to your emotional bond (2).
We invite you and your spouse to sit down together and take the love language quiz through the link provided. This will help you identify your own individual love languages. Take some time to talk about the results and share with each other what types of things make you feel loved.
Finally, we challenge you to do at least one thing every day this week to express your love to your spouse in a way that aligns with his or her love language. At the end of the week see if you notice a difference. Have fun with it!!
References
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Egbert, N., & Polk, D. (2006). Speaking the Language of Relational Maintenance: A ValidityTest of Chapman’s (1992) Five Love Languages. Communication Research Reports,23(1), 19–26.
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Simple Yet Powerful Ways to Show Love. (2016). Retrieved from https://www.mormonchannel.org/blog/post/self-reliance-simple-yet-powerful-ways-to-show-love
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Weigel, D. J., & Ballard-Reisch, D. S. (2008). Relational Maintenance, Satisfaction, and Commitment in Marriages: An Actor-Partner Analysis. Journal of Family Communication,8(3), 212-229.