Coping With Stress Together

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     We have reached the end of our six-lesson program!  We hope that you have found it to be enjoyable and significant to enhance your own marital relationship. In this last lesson, we will discuss some of the most common stressors that can potentially affect marital satisfaction and how to work together to cope with them.  

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Common Stressors Include:

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Work and Economic Pressure

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     We have all most likely experienced some role conflict or role overload. This can definitely impact performance and desirable relationship outcomes.  Researchers refer to these emotional events as “stress,” which is associated with nervousness, tension, and strain (2). Work outside the home can certainly be a source of stress, and research shows there is a stress crossover between the workplace and the home. It has been discovered that work stress can lead to exhaustion and depression. A husband’s exhaustion directly impacts a wife’s burnout and vice and versa. Work stress can affect individual wellbeing and marital relationship (2).  

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Parenting

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     Parenting can have an impact on marriage, as the stress and demands of the parental roles from the birth of the first child to the time that the last child leaves home are not fully compatible with the demands of the marital role. Parents with children in the teenage years might feel particularly inadequate and unsure of themselves, which can cause stress between husband and wife, making the marriage relationship feel less pleasant. Overall, it is mainly changed to the family system or structure that can cause the greatest stress—this can include births, changes in a child’s developmental stage, children leaving the home, etc (4).

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Negativity and Poor Communication

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When couples talk about their stress, it can either create conflict OR it can provide an opportunity for the couple to collaboratively find meaning in an undesirable situation (3). Chronic negativity and poor communication between couples can add to day-to-day stress that each partner experiences. Negative interactions, such as Gottman’s Four Horsemen discussed in Lesson 2 (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling), are unhealthy behaviors that can add to stress and lead to marital decline (3).

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     Couples unavoidably encounter challenges throughout their marital journey; however, some couples are able to manage them more successfully than others. There are many reasons why this may be so but learning to cope with stress is a significant factor. To increase marital satisfaction and overcome these and other common sources of stress, couples can strive to cultivate positive emotions and optimism, they can build resiliency, and they can practice healthy communication skills (1). 

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3 Ways Couples Can Cope with Stress:

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Positivity!

 

     We have already discussed the benefits of positivity as it relates to conflict and communication, but positivity is such a powerful tool that we’d like to revisit it here as we talk about stress. Positivity is demonstrated by an optimistic attitude and the belief that whatever stress or challenge you may face in life or in your relationship you can recover quickly. Positive emotions can make you more flexible to change and can improve overall well-being. When we learn to practice positivity in stressful situations, it can lead to the development of a habitual mindset that can drown out our negative emotions and reactions. Perhaps the most constructive aspect of positivity as it applies to the marriage relationship is that positivity is CONTAGIOUS (1)! Your efforts to find the good in undesirable situations and keep a positive outlook will help your spouse do the same. Admittedly, sometimes staying positive is easier said than done. It may be helpful once in a while to take a break from the thing that is causing you stress. Listen to a favorite song or an uplifting video. Discuss with your spouse what you can learn from the difficulties that are presented to you. Find ways to reset and stay positive!

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Resilience

 

     When we are able to cope effectively with stressful circumstances and find positive meaning in negative situations, we are resilient. In other words, as we practice positivity, we build greater resilience! Resilient people are quicker to rebound from difficulties and they are better able to cope effectively. Characteristics of resilient people include:

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• Self-efficacy—which refers to an individual’s confidence in his or her ability to deal with problems, control circumstances, and create change.

• Optimism about the future

• Goal-oriented

• Creative problem-solving

• Good communication skills

• Capability to acquire social support when it is needed

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     Resilience is actually a key predictor of marital satisfaction (1), so work together with your spouse to develop these characteristics. If you do, you will find that the inevitable stresses of life will not seem so burdensome and overwhelming. This video gives a great explanation of what resilience actually is, why it’s important, and how to develop it.

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Perspective Taking

 

     Perspective taking is an important communication skill, especially in marriage, and especially during times of stress. Being able to take the perspective of your spouse is a wonderful coping strategy, but it is not always an easy skill to learn. Perspective taking involves being able to put yourself in your partner’s shoes, showing you understand, and showing you care. Going through stressful situations will be easier when you can lean on each other, recognize each other’s feelings regarding the situation, and a find a common understanding of a stressful experience. If couples can come together to achieve this, they can collaboratively draw meaning from an experience and identify additional needed coping strategies3. Being able to see things from another person’s perspective requires good listening and good communication skills. There are several components of perspective taking in communication, including using positive tones, being attentive to what the other person is saying, making relevant contributions to the conversation, agreeing on important details, and coordinating with each other to find possible solutions (3). Practice seeing things from, not only your own view but from your spouse’s as well.

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            There is another way to consider perspective taking. As we deal with stress, it is very important to step back occasionally and view a situation from a grander perspective, even an eternal one. Elder David A. Bednar teaches that keeping an eternal perspective will supply a “spiritual settledness” and a “consistent focus on our heavenly destination.” This, in turn, will give us purpose and direction and will hush our fears. Remember what matters most to you in life, and work together with your spouse to cultivate and nurture those things.

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Take Action!

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     As we learned in this lesson, marital struggles are real, and stress can have a significant impact on a relationship. However, we can choose how we view stressful situations and how they will affect us. We can choose to have a positive and optimistic perspective. 

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     For our last “Take Action” challenge, we invite you to share with your children, family members or friends, positive stories that you have experienced with your spouse. As a result, you might notice a more optimistic outlook and an increase in relational closeness. Try to have a positive attitude and avoid negative interactions. When you and your spouse feel overwhelmed and stressed, practice perspective taking, and remember that you are a team!

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